In the shadow

I’ve been feeling a little out of sorts lately. In the past few months I’ve been closer to the deaths of two children than I’d like to be. The first was a young boy who at age six, after a hard fought battle, lost the fight against leukemia. The other happened last week. After a long medical and emotional journey to get pregnant, the mother who was six months pregnant lost her baby and nearly her own life. In strange but tragic coincidence these two families are good friends.
With five kids of my own and I can’t even begin to imagine how these parents must feel. When I got the most recent news I was at work and pretty much blocked the impact all day. On my ride home I began to feel the weight of the loss. My stomach became uneasy and I didn’t eat much that night. The father and I had a conversation not long ago sharing our pregnant wife stories and him just beaming with joy knowing he would be a father. I had seen this couple a few days before and everything seemed perfect. Mom looked great and dad was really starting to think father type thoughts. Little did they know that their perfect world was going to end so soon. I did all the normal stuff; sent out the prayer request to all my church friends and talked to my coworkers about what a tragedy it is. But if I’m truly honest the guilty thought I keep having is I’m so glad this didn’t happen to my family. It almost seems unfair that my wife and I have five healthy kids. Some of my uneasy feeling comes from almost causing the death of one of my children in a car related accident several years ago; a story for another time.
Logically I know that in the grand scheme God has purpose in all of this. I know that God also didn’t make this happen and that nothing the parents did made it happen. Logic doesn’t help. You can’t use logic to deal with pain. Pain isn’t diminished by reason or anger or denial. The real struggle is to own your pain before it owns you.
I’ve been trolling through the bible to help come to terms with these tragedies. I didn’t find the perfect verse. The passage I kept coming back to is the resurrection of Lazarus. Before Jesus went to Lazarus he told his disciples that Lazarus had fallen asleep and he was going to go a wake him. Everybody knew what “asleep” meant. Now the disciples understandably didn’t want to go to Lazarus because he was in Bethany and the last time they were there the locals tried to kill Jesus. So they get to Bethany and Lazarus’s sisters are feeling that crushing sorrow of loosing their brother. Mary is so upset she can’t leave the house until Jesus sends for her. This is the part that brings me some kind of comfort. Now Jesus knows Lazarus is dead and he has told several people that he will bring Lazarus back from the dead. This is pretty good news. This is the kind of news that you think Jesus would be pretty excited to tell everybody about. But that’s not how it goes. When Mary finally comes to Jesus she just can’t keep it together any more and breaks down weeping at the feet of Jesus. In verse 35 is just says “Jesus wept”. He didn’t tell her everything would be alright or explain what he was going to do he simply wept. He allowed the sorrow and the pain to, as the bible says to be “deeply moved”.
I don’t have any advice for people who have lost children. I can only imagine how that must feel. The thing I cling to, is knowing that our God loves us enough to be deeply moved by our pain.

Unity

The Rauns and the Umsteads made just about every local news outlet this weekend; some positive and some not so positive. Below is a letter by Laura Deitrick the daughter of Mrs. Umstead, to the Pottstown paper to answer the front page article that ran this past weekend. (link here) It looks like an old fashioned back pedal by the township. The township has made statements and put up a post on the township website (link here) interestingly the facts released only represent part of the picture. In the end I think it is important not to demonize the township officials. People make bad decision all the time. If you give someone the chance to think about their decision without beating them with the stupid/guilt/shame stick they will usually take steps to correct the situation. If, however you make someone feel bad enough about a decision they made they tend to make more bad decisions. Unfortunately our political climate at all levels has evolved into an “us verses them” process. The news is filled with adversarial images; “the battle lines have been drawn”, “boxers in the ring”. All of these images suggest that one side is right and the other wrong. I think we are called to be collaborative with one another.
About this time of year back in 1860 a new member of the fledgling Republican party was getting ready for the presidential election that he won that fall. This small town mid-west lawyer would face arguably the toughest decisions ever faced by a president. Through it all he always knew he would accomplish more by working with his adversaries than against them. Members of his own cabinet fought bitterly and he would bring them in a room together and keep them there until they worked things out. At his inauguration the battle lines had been drawn. The ceremony was marked by the attendance of an entire garrison to fight any number of possible adversaries. The new president started his term by arguing that our responsibility as a nation, detailed in our Constitution was “to form a more perfect union”. I use this president not as proof of position or an argument for or against a political position. I use this man as an example of what can be overcome by taking the attitude that we are created equal and we are meant to live with one another. Go and read Matthew 22:36-40.
I pray that at the next meeting that bad decisions will be corrected and that the community shows the same grace to the township supervisors that it has shown the Rauns and the Umsteads.

Thursday, September 18, 2008
To the Editor:
While today’s article (“Elderly residents resist land purchase for park”) seems to suggest that the Perkiomen Township Board of Supervisors do not intend to condemn the Umstead and Rawn Properties, the Board’s prior actions and correspondence suggest otherwise. As the Umstead’s daughter, I am intimately aware of the details of this travesty of justice.
In correspondence from the Township Solicitor, the property owners were told that they could not retain any portion of their lands but would need to agree to sell everything to the Township by the end of August or face condemnation. That is precisely why the Township convened a “special meeting,” with inadequate public notice, to adopt a resolution condemning the property. Thankfully, enough residents were alerted through e-mail and word-of-mouth, and the meeting room was packed with those objecting to the proposed condemnations. No one spoke in favor of the Township’s plans to create additional unneeded parks through condemnation.
Residents have also learned that in 1998 the Township encouraged FEMA to expand its flood plain district to include parts of these properties, which have never flooded, in an effort to decrease their property values and development potential. Now the Township has engaged a realtor, not an appraiser, to value these properties as though they are single lots, even though they could be subdivided into multiple lots.
These elderly residents have owned and maintained these farms for decades at no cost to the Township. In fact, these property owners continue to pay real estate taxes while providing free open space to the Township. In other instances, the Township has chosen to pay property owners for conservation easements. While the Township suggests that the owners can continue to live on the land as tenants, would any of the Supervisors like to have public trails and facilities on their property?
Please take the time to read more at www.helpoutyourneighbor.com. We promise to keep you informed.
Laura Dietrich

Help out your Neighbor

We often hear how some form of government has made a bad decision. Well this is happening right here in our backyard. The Perkiomen Township Supervisors have selected two elderly families that have something they want, land. The township is using “eminent domain” to force long time residents from their homes to make a park. While parks are generally good things forcing people from their homes is too high of a price. To add insult to injury the “price” to be paid to the residents is far below market value. The good news is that the decision to do this is not finalized. Say what you will about our system of government but the people about to make this decision are just that, people. These people have names and will listen to the voice of the community. Make your voice heard; go to www.helpoutyourneighbor.com and help the supervisors make the right decision to keep our neighbors in their homes.

Back to School

Today was the first day of school and it seemed to put the weekend in the distant past. We had a great time on the farm. I got plenty of butterfly watching in and managed to get a few good pictures. Watching butterflies seems to have its own rhythm. You can’t make them pose or stop to get a picture. If you want to watch for any length of time you have to come to terms with being on their schedule and not yours. You also have no idea which kind will show up. I noticed that after a few days I would recognize the same butterfly from one day to the next. Different species also had different behaviors. Some fly slow and easy while other were so fast they were hard to follow. Keeping track, I ended up with positive identification of 14 different species. I observed two different butterflies that belong to the Skipper family and one that belongs to the Sulfur family. Each of these groups has dozens of different species that are hard to tell apart. I can’t help with all of the identification, my dad is a wildlife biologist and everything observed needs to be identified. I think its human nature from the beginning; after all it was Adams first big job. (see Genesis 2: 19-20) I think the best part about watching butterflies is just how intricate and beautiful they are. The funny part is that the only thing as beautiful as butterflies is the flowers they are attracted to. The beauty goes beyond the visible. Each is completely dependant on the other for survival and the relationship adds to the others existence. To sit a think about it is to ponder our very existence.

The other big highlight from the weekend was the play my kids put on for the grownups. It took them a few days to work out the screen play and the props and music. The play was called “The Flower Girl” and had a well developed script with each actor required to memorize their lines. My mom, a life long organist at every church we ever belonged to, played the music for the wedding scene. The play also had an intermission so my youngest could tell his scary story for the audience. The whole thing was fantastic. I’m going to try and get the scary story on paper. It was pretty scary from a five year old. Forgive me if I sound preachy or come off as a bragger but my kids are not allowed to watch TV and this is the kind of stuff they come up with to fill the day. The slide show is from the farm this past weekend.

Unwinding

Late yesterday afternoon we left for one of my favorite places; my parents farm in rural West Virginia. It seems like we spent most of the night driving. Due to my back my wife took all of the driving duties. We had a little rain that always makes night driving a little more stressful. The trip here is just shy of 400 miles and always follows the same pattern. The closer we get to the farm the sky gets darker and darker. Trees become the predominant feature of the landscape. Gone are the fast food places and strip malls. The weight of the human population becomes less and less. I can feel my head clearing just thinking about it. All day today I’ve not heard one siren, helicopter or jet engine.

My dad is a retired wildlife biologist and has spent the past 8 years of his retirement managing the farm for wildlife. He has planted hundreds of trees and spends much of this time of year mowing wildlife clearings. I’m not talking about a lawn. The mower is a 5 foot brush mower powered by a big 4 wheel drive Ford tractor. Much of what he is mowing is 2 to 3 year old Sumac about chest high and waist high grass fields. The idea is to create diversity in the habitat by having areas of different plant types; grass fields next to Sumac thickets next to young woods next to old woods. My dad and I went for a walk this morning and we looked at his most recent mowing. It is amazing how fast clearings from two years ago have grown up.

I spent some time today watching the butterfly bushes next to the house. I’m going to keep track of all the different butterflies I see while I’m here. The first picture is a Monarch that would have hatched within the past week or so. The beat up butterfly is called a Fritillary that hatched out this spring and is at the end of its life cycle. The Monarch will migrate south and return in the spring to lay eggs for the next generation. The Fritillary already laid its eggs and the caterpillars will winter over as pupae to hatch in the late spring next year.

I’m sitting on my parent’s front porch and I had to take a break to watch a large flight of Night Hawks feeding over one of the fields. They are a very distinctive bird that is fun to watch. Their flight is like a dance with constant quick changes in direction as they scoop up insects with their mouths. Their wings are long and pointy and they don’t have a distinguishable neck. They remind you of a very large barn swallow and are clearly built for maneuverability. I say mouths because their beaks are tiny but their mouth is almost as wide as their body and can open very wide. It works like a butterfly net scooping up insects. This is why their flight is erratic as they spot an insect and fly to catch it.

On The Mend

My back is considerably better today. My good friend Dr. Paul Bove put me on the fast track to healing. I saw him for the fourth time since this all started and as usual I felt great after my visit. He said in two weeks I should be back to 100%. I’ve been contacted by many of my friends and I’ve felt the prayers. I had foolish visions of doing my normal Sunday stuff at church yesterday. I got up and made it out of bed but was in no condition to drive. All I ended up doing was putting a last second task on some of the other volunteers. I thank them for their grace and for getting the work done. As traumatic events tend to do I’m motivated to spend some time keeping in shape. I got a good gentile workout in tonight and the best part was my wife (who’s in better shape) joined me. I will attempt to make this a habit. Thanks again for all the thoughts and prayers.

Stuck

It’s been four days since I managed to hurt my back. I damaged the fibrous connections that surround your disks between the vertebrae. The bottom line is the inflammation is keeping me in bed. I’ve been able to stand for a few minutes and shuffle a few feet. To type this I’m on my side with my laptop sitting on a waste basket next to the bed. My good friend and chiropractor Dr. Paul Bove has made two house calls to fix me up. He truly has healing hands and has made a big difference. My wife has been the one to do all the other nurse duties. Just to clarify, for the first two days I was truly confined to my bed. The image of this conjures up a few questions. Part of my bedside equipment includes a large empty Gatorade bottle. I didn’t have to… well, you know, until day three and I was able to take care of things solo. I did need help to get to and from the bathroom. Eating “sideways” has been at the very least, messy. Sandwiches are not meant to be eaten horizontally. The first two days were the worst. The pain was enough to keep me from concentrating on anything, reading, writing, watching a movie. I have been able to stick to my “no TV for a month” challenge.
Yesterday I managed to read Girl Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen. It is her story of walking the line between sanity and insanity. At 18 she went into a mental hospital and spent the next year and a half finding what most of us call reality. I was struck by two things; first it confirmed what I’ve always suspected. The distance between crazy and sane is short. Second, Kaysen gives the best description I’ve read of how our minds keep us from going nuts. My wife and I watched the movie ( movies don’t count for my TV challenge) and as usual it’s not as good as the book.
My big goal for today is to take a shower. It’s funny how much I miss my daily routine stuff. The past few days have had plenty of irony as well. Four days in bed and I’ve only been able to sleep a few hours. This has also has been the best weather we’ve had all summer. The up side has been some extra time with my family. I’m sure they see it a little differently but I’ll take what I can get.

New Frontiers

My youngest has entered the ranks of those who can, as he says “ride a two wheeler”. Trying to keep up with three older sisters and an older brother can be tough. Being able to ride a bike (sans training wheels) is a huge step in the never ending race to keep up. The best part for me was how he finally started riding. Fortunately I was home to see it happen. It was his older brother who facilitated this giant leap. In my observation kids are essentially born with the necessary skills to ride a bike. The hurdle is building up enough courage to overcome the fear of crashing. My oldest son took three essential steps to get his brother to overcome his fears. Step one: don’t push. Pressure in the learning to ride a bike game only increases the fear. In my own youth I witnessed an extreme circumstance where pressure from peers pushed a new rider past the fear barrier. But pressure causes damage and I know for a fact that years later that bike riding was a source of bad memories for this person. Step two: Faith. My oldest looked his little brother in the eye and said “I know you can do it”. Translation: I love you and I believe in you. The only thing more powerful than that is God. Step three: Right after the “I know you can do it” my oldest also said “I’ll be here if you fall”. And fall he did. Going in a straight line was pretty easy but the first turn didn’t go so well. But there was his older brother picking up the bike and his brother for another try. Knowing you’re not alone and there is someone to pick up the pieces is the type of comfort that penetrates your very being. Now a few days later there is this little bike and its rider zooming all over the place. Going faster, trying new things like laying down some rubber with a high speed skid, and finding new places to ride are the daily norm.
It occurred to me that my faith in God should follow the same basic pattern. I need to remind myself that God loves us the way a father loves a child and there is nothing I can do to make God love me less. I also need to remember that when I fall God is there to pick up the pieces and heal the hurt. With this knowledge, with this comfort I can take chances, explore new relationships, learn more and love deeper. Making it happen is hard, sometimes I get it right. Most of the time I let fear get in the way. As usual I learn more from my kids than they learn from me.

Outside Looking In

I’m in day 14 of Jon Stolpe’s “no TV for the month of August” challenge. After the first few days it hasn’t been so bad. My nightly routine has changed and I’m definitely spending more time with my family. The strangest part so far has been the odd reactions from my co-workers. To some, my not watching TV is somehow committing a social crime. A minor crime for sure but it puts me a little closer to the “kook” category and I’m already close enough as it is. Others can’t understand why I would choose to disconnect from the collective consciousness of what brings so many Americans together. The shows we watch give us insights into each other and have something to do with how we organize our social structure. The Olympics are all a buzz around the office. I must have been asked 3 times; “did you see the American girl fall off the balance beam?” This is a conversation starter for a normal office interaction and there is nothing that kills a good TV banter than not watching TV. I find myself apologizing for missing it. I’m not actually sorry for missing the program I’m just a little weary of the “what kind of freak are you?” look I seem to get daily. I think the real issue is that not watching TV is that it puts people who don’t know me very well, at a relational disadvantage. I am now a little harder to understand. Think about a die-hard “Lost” fan or someone who never misses an episode of “WWE Smack Down”. Without knowing anything else, gender, age etc… you can picture what type of person they are. If you knew two or three shows they watched and how committed they were to those shows you could work up a complete personality profile. TV is the perfect entry into a relationship. It is a safe and easy place to start and identifying the shows we watch jump starts our insights about each other. The one thing I am truly grateful for is the break from all the commercials and I like the way it has caused me to spend my time, but I’m not sure how long I can walk on this path to becoming a social outcast.

How Much Truth?

I’m wrestling with how truthful I should be. You’re having lunch with a few friends and you notice a piece of green stuff stuck between your companion’s front teeth. You can’t hear a word they say. Their mouth is moving and all you see or think about is the piece of green stuff. Questions start to wander into your brain. What is it? How long has it been there? Why won’t it let go? How come they can’t feel it? Eventually someone else can’t take it any more and says something. I think this is one of the best indicators of friendship. The stakes are high in the “green stuff in the teeth game”. If you decide to say something but don’t deliver the message with the correct amount of subtlety it causes the type of embarrassment that damages any kind of relationship. On the flip side, if the person views you as a friend and someone else says something before you do; you have to endure the post “green stuff incident” flogging with the guilt stick. Comedian and actor Andy Kaufman would stick a fake plastic booger on his upper lip and watch people squirm under the interpersonal relationship pressure. I think he just wanted to know who his real friends were. Bad breath is another good test. Your boss comes in to your work space then into your personal space and delivers a blast of “I’ve been eating dead animals for a week” breath that nearly brings tears to your eyes. Most employees have an extremely well honed understanding of the complicated bad breath rules. If the boss asks for a breath check before a meeting; you give the honest answer; if the boss comes by in a moment of “relationship building” not so much. We go through our day running everything we say through a complex relationship filter. Being careful with our words is a good thing but most of the time we never say anything remotely close to what we are thinking. We don’t cross into the possibility of a deeper relationship.
The ultimate test of course is the fart. Being comfortable enough to let one go within ear shot of a friend is solid evidence of a comfortable relationship. Now I’m not talking about the scatological frat house “how gross can we be” stuff. True friends will give a warning and try to spare you any unnecessary respiratory distress. Things can be a little different between married couples. The phrase “I didn’t think it would smell that bad” has been uttered since the beginning of time. But I’ll leave the married thing for another time.
If I really think about it I don’t want people to be brutally honest all of the time. I don’t think I could handle it. I just know that I should take a more chances on connecting with people by being truthful.

Lost

Several months ago a friend and co-worker up and quit his job. He had been struggling with a bunch of different things and was basically about as stressed out as you can get. I won’t go into any details out of respect for him and in the hope that he reads this someday. He left under some less than ideal circumstances and he and I have not been in contact since. I have to face the reality that our friendship may be over. About a week ago I sent him what I thought was a heart felt email and I have had no response. We shared many good times over the years and I miss his company. One of the things I truly enjoy in life is being in relationships with all sorts of people. My friend came from a very diverse background. I used to tease him that his extended family would make a great sit-com. Our personalities couldn’t be more different. We found common ground in our love for the outdoors and a deep sense of the importance of family. I think the thing we shared the most was laughter. He is funny person and much more out going than I am. He also has a knack for getting people to fall for outrageous pranks. One of my favorites was witnessing him call a co-worker and in his very convincing radio voice inform this person they had just won a trip to some exotic land. Of course they fell for it “hook, line and sinker” I laughed so hard I cried. He was always quick to let his victims in on the joke and he was never mean. I think I only ever got him once and he seemed to have me “on the line” all the time. I came back from vacation once to find my voice mail box with about 200 messages from Elvis, Bugs Bunny and every other character he could think of. I have many memories like this and I’m uncomfortable that it might be over. I’ve always thought of friendships as a partnership and I can’t help wondering what I could have done differently. Or what is it about me that has kept him from reaching out? I have always been open about my faith and I suspect judgment may be an obstacle. The irony is if I am true to my faith the only thing he should expect from me is grace. My friend is also extremely good at reading people and I feel he knows me pretty well. I can’t help but wonder about his viewpoint of how he thinks I see him. At the moment I am experiencing feelings of loss and failure. In the end I need to have faith that as long as we are breathing there is a chance to find what has been lost.

Reluctant lessons

I’ve been at the same company for twenty years. I am currently the training “guy” and I spend most of my day fielding questions. Questions about how does this work and where can I find that. I have come to the realization that basically people fall into two groups in the work place. One group plugs along getting things done but never seems to fully understand how what they do fits into the scheme of everything and they often times don’t have any idea of the content of what they do; they just do. The other group has the capacity for understanding of how all the pieces fit together. This group however isn’t so good at getting anything done; all experts and no execution. I fall into the later group and the people in my group answer the questions from the first group. Now I understand that the first group has the capability for understanding and occasionally they slow down long enough and soak it in but it usually gets in the way of getting things done and in their minds accomplishing the task is more important and ultimately more satisfying. The group I belong to finds the interactions more interesting than the final score. I’ve been to many a seminar on “personality inventories” and I am trained on one of the more business oriented assessments. They are all very similar and usually put you in some “quadrant” that identifies your communication tendencies. The irony of it all is that the best teams have equal parts from both groups and these two groups almost never get along. Sure they tolerate each other but when it comes right down to it the “doers” are frustrated and annoyed with the “dreamers” and vise versa. Each group finds it extremely difficult if not impossible to see the world from the others perspective. Just think of the last intense argument you were in or witnessed. Why we are different and why we struggle are questions that don’t really have answers. The “why’s” usually don’t make any sense anyway and it is the outcomes that provide value. The battles are what teach us who we are and who we’re not. The people that cause friction in our lives act as mirrors. They reveal in us what we can’t see by ourselves. The trick is to have the courage to look in the mirror and the strength to not break it. I havent figured this out yet but I intend to keep trying.

Accepting Gifts

We had a guest speaker at church this past weekend, Tom Whiteman whose message was about purpose. He founded and runs Life Counseling Services; a Christian organization that is in the business of dealing with the pain of everyday life. Divorce, death, and addiction seem to be the most common. He made the point that we are either in a place where we need to receive grace, i.e. help from God and his people or we need to extend grace. The funny part is the people who need help usually don’t want it (or think they need it) and most people who are in a place to extend help don’t want to. We don’t want to deal with pain; our own or somebody else’s. And the really funny part is, we as living breathing humans will only find true meaning and happiness by dealing with pain. Those who choose not to face pain end up stuck, stuck in the same emotion day after day. I know people like this. I feel like this sometimes. Most days though I have come to terms with God’s love. This has been a long process and I’m still wrestling with the notion of unconditional love. A few years ago my family received a gift that we didn’t deserve. Through a work circumstance I have the privilege of working with a person still dealing with pain. A few years prior to our meeting he and his wife lost their youngest daughter in a freak accident. Their daughter was in college and had what most people thought was her whole life in front of her. She was one of those people who loved life and people. She was that person you meet and always remember. I have come to know her through her parents and the wake of joy and pain she left behind. Sometimes I would catch her father in a moment of memory that would bring a smile followed by tears. One of the ways her parents decided to deal with the pain was to do something nice for somebody every year. This usually is timed with her birthday and her parents took my family to Disney for a week. They took care of our flight and our lodging. It is important to know that I have five kids. They also acted as our personal guides taking us through all the parks. This had been their family’s routine for the past twenty years. The week was amazing and my children will remember the week their whole lives. The hardest part was accepting this gift I didn’t disserve. Basically my family got to go to Disney for a week because of a senseless death. I went through some very mixed emotions accepting this gift. Before we left, my wife and I came to the conclusion that the best way to accept this gift was to go with grateful hearts and have the best time we could. Now that a little time has passed since the trip I am coming to realize that the trip was a lot like God’s gift to all humanity. Facing the idea that God loves us no matter what is difficult. I don’t deserve it but there is nothing I can do to make God love me less. This is the way parents love their children. This unconditional love is what enables people in their deepest pain to give the gift of joy.